Judas or Simon Seasons

Judas Seasons, Peter Seasons, and the One Thing That Changes Everything

So Palm Sunday was yesterday and I have honestly not been able to stop thinking about the homily even tho it was short... as I move further into holy week. You know how sometimes a priest says something and it just kind of lands differently than you expected it to? That was yesterday for me. It kind of always is with the priest. To be frank, I always walk out feeling like I have so much more work to do on myself.. in a good and exhausing way.. much like the Lord's work is. So I figured I would just share what has been on my heart.

Father talked about two men. Judas and Peter. Do you know them? LOL. What struck me was that both of them were at the Last Supper and both of them were as close to Jesus as a person could possibly get in that moment. They were in the room and were at the table... Kinda gives me goosebumps.. what an opportunity. But both of them still betrayed Jesus... which I'd never looked at Peter in that light before.. One directly and one indirectly, but both of them did it. And Jesus knew. He knew what was coming and He loved them anyway. insert crying as I write this bc that right there is something I could sit with for a very long time. And I'm sitting with it this Holy week as I recollect all my failings and sin, even during a time I tried to be intentional as I could.

The homily continued on about what actually made Judas and Peter different from each other... and it was not their proximity to Jesus. It was not their devotion or their intentions or how long they had been following Him. Itt came down to one thing: Peter came back. That is it. He messed up, he saw what he did, and he turned around. (excuse me while I cry again thinking of my own journey with Jesus).

I think we all go through Judas seasons in our lives. I know I did. When I look back at my twenties, like the whole decade up until I was about 27, I was so stuck in shame you guys. I would show up to Mass wasted. And then I would go drink in shame for even having the nerve to show up that way. And then I would wake up and the whole cycle would start again... sometimes at 6:30 in the morning... And I could never say sorry to God because I genuinely did not feel worthy enough to be heard. Like who was I to ask for forgiveness when I was just going to do it again tomorrow? So I just kept running. I kept hiding. That is a Judas season for me. Not because I was a bad person but because I was so buried in shame that I could not find my way back. And I always think about how I am only one drink away from the alcoholic still struggling today. Im not better than them. And Simon wasn't really better than Judas, it's in the repentance (or in this scenario getting sober) that we meet God.

And then there was a longer stretch after that, when Jon and I were together but not yet married, where I was showing up to Mass and doing all the things on the outside. But there was this quiet shame sitting underneath everything. I do not even know if I was fully aware of it on a conscious level at the time, but looking back it was absolutely there. And so I was kind of living in between. Not fully running like Judas but not fully back like Peter either. Just somewhere in the middle, going through the motions and hoping that counted for something. Newsflash Bethany, Jesus isn't coming for everyone.

We have Peter seasons, too. Where we deny. Where we mess up and we see it clearly, and we repent, and we come back and honestly I think a lot of us cycle through all of these seasons more than once in a lifetime. EIther that or Im just the ultimate betrayer ever. LOL. We have free will obviously, and I think that's why we cycle through the Judas seasons where the shame is so loud we cannot hear anything else. The in between season where we are present but not really there and then the Peter season where something shifts and we turn back around and get that God dopamine hit we all love so much as humans.

What Father said yesterday that I cannot shake is this idea that the difference was not about the sin. It was about what happened after. Judas let the shame consume him. Peter let the shame lead him back (crying again) and that is such a tender and important distinction because I have been on both sides of it and I know how real that feels. Im sure I'll be through it many times more.

Peter denied Jesus three times.....Out loud. EEEEKKKKKKK and he still became the rock the entire Church was built on. Not such a small thing, lol.... That is God saying that your worst moment is not your last word. He's saying shame does not get to write the ending of your story. He is reminding you, that coming back, even after the thing you are most embarrassed about, is exactly what He is asking of you.

So wherever you are today, whatever season this is for you, I just want you to know that the door is not closed... itt was not closed for Peter after THREE denials OUTLOUD and it is not closed for you now. You do not have to clean yourself up first OR have the right words or feel worthy enough or wait until you have it more together. You just have to come back. You just have to turn around.

That is the whole thing. That is what I got out of Palm Sunday. That is the whole story of what I am (we are) about to walk through this Holy Week. A God who knew exactly what was coming and went to the cross anyway because He wanted a way back for every single one of us.

So I try and tell myself this: You are not too far gone. You are just a Peter who has not turned around yet. And whenever you are ready, He will be right there waiting. He always has been. 🌿